Awake

I’m sitting here all alone in the hotel room you we were supposed to share last night. It’s early and the sun is rising over the skyline. You would have loved this view. Instead of being here together, i’m repeating the memory of our conversation yesterday over and over again in my head. The man my heart had asked for and my head didn’t even know I wanted, my Mister Nice Guy. We dated before, had stayed in touch on and off throughout the years. Being with you then was nice, being with you now was different. It was nice-ER. It felt like setting my piece of the puzzle snugly onto the board. 

I knew you had just gotten out of a relationship. You assured me I wasn’t a rebound for which I gave you the side eye.  You told me you were still getting over the disappointment of another failed relationship but not the woman. You were over the woman. It was the introducing her to your family and friends. The making her a part of your life that took time to rebound from. I told me I was ok with things being how they were, I didn’t need to define anything or want more. I was ok giving you the time you needed because I was ok not having any requirements. We were both wrong. 

I missed you while I was away. I don’t miss anyone. It surprised me and when I came back there was a shift. You noticed and I noticed, it made you uncomfortable. I’ve always said October has never been my month when it comes to relationships. I might have to add November to that list too. 

Yesterday, we got it right. You told me you weren’t over your ex and if she called to work it out you would agree. I told you I couldn’t be the interim woman. We acknowledged our feelings for each other. We were grateful for each other’s honesty. We confirmed our reluctance to let go of each other. We thanked each other for time well spent together and then we said goodbye. 

Now, I sit staring at our skyline. With my heart aching, and my head hurting, for what we both know that we have lost. And now come the tears. 

Author: Cherrón