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I kept imagining myself writing some profoundly deep post about entering a new decade, months before we as a collective enter a new decade. I like imagining scenarios in my head. The truth is that I don’t have anything to contribute that’s any different from anyone else who has reached a milestone in their life and feels like they have some shit to say. Ironic since I’m writing this for CTC, a place where women can come together and share their stories because nothing you go through is original anyway so you might as well share it with those who been through it and for those who are going through it.

But I digress.

Here it is, the day after my 40th birthday and I have a lot of thoughts I’ve decided to share here. For those who have been there, for those who will get here but most importantly, for me.

1- I wasn’t supposed to be here. By now you know my struggle. I first thought of suicide when I was 9 years old. Over the years I have revisited that thought time and time again. Today, I am grateful that God gave me the strength to endure, a bomb ass therapist and a strong support system. Weeping may endure for a night (or 12), but joy does come in the morning. I’m proof.

2- I know myself really well, and I own (most) of it. Look I’m still a work in progress but this isn’t something I could have said about myself 10 years ago. I will always have some shit to work on but I will forever be committed to being a good person. Good to myself and good to others.

3- More importantly, I really like myself. I mean, I’d hang out with me. And I do. I relish my alone time just as much as I relish time with friends and family.

4-I’m still sensitive as fuck, and lightweight still a people pleaser. Now, I’ve learned how to have a moment, accept the moment and shake it off.

4- I’ve finally made peace with my past. The decisions I made, the men I’ve dated, the lies I’ve told, the moments I didn’t speak up for myself. It’s all made me the woman I am today.

5- I can play smart but I won’t play small. At all. It makes me uncomfortable and I don’t like being uncomfortable. A common theme amongst some of my favorite people is that they are who they are all day. They don’t shift for anything or anyone. I can admire the trait or follow suit. Guess which one I choose.

6- The only person I am living and doing anything for me is. As I write this I am sitting in an AirBNB in South Africa. The place I always imagined I would go to on my honeymoon. No husband, no problem, I decided to come anyway and 11 friends joined me on the trip.

Author: Cherrón