Hot Mess
I wrote this blog post before we had a website. Reading it now I can feel the raw pain from this low point in my life. I really struggled with my words. It’s taken almost 2 years to share this. Last week was a rough week mentally and I had to remind myself that this moment shall pass. That I’ve made it through ALL of my bad days. That reminder led me to revisit this post. I might be in a new mental space now but this is a wonderful reflection of where I have been. As a close friend reminded me recently, I’ve done the work. I recognize I will always be a work in progress and I celebrate every moment, including the hard ones.
-CG, 2019
CG, 2017 -
Mental Illness is a real disease and I have it. I learned a lot of my response mechanisms from my Mother. I’m not a doctor, and won’t diagnose anyone else, but for me the processes I learned manifested into a mental illness. I must have been about 9 when I first recognized it and this understanding played a big part in my lack of interest to become a mother or get married. Who would marry this hot mess? What if I raised a child who was hot mess? No. No. No. I couldn't put this illness on anyone else. So I lived my life trying to "act normal" and “smile through the pain” figuring everything would eventually be "fine". If I don't let the "crazy" out then it doesn't exist. I certainly did not talk about it. Over time this thinking has thankfully changed and I've been working to deal with this disease through professional help. I also started sharing my struggle with a group of close girlfriends.
These girls have been my life line. They are everything I aspire to be smart, funny, sharp, beautiful and witty. They are life and laughter and love. All distinctly different with similar values and beliefs that glue them together.
Recently I went through a very significant break down. I opened up to my friends in a way that I usually don't. Letting them into the dark place where I was sitting comfortably. It was difficult for my close friends to know what to do to help me. It hurt when I thought they were keeping their distance but I understood, This is not easy for me or those close to me to deal with. I’ve always felt guilty for “putting my pain” on others. It’s easier to retreat into a dark corner and deal on my own. I recognize they have their own lives and their own issues and I try not to impose on that with all of my stuff. Through our talks, I learned that when I felt they had walked away they were instead coming together to pray for me. That kind of love and understanding was powerful to feel and hear.
At their suggestion I have taken some steps to make big changes to my life. One night, while talking with one of the girls, she said things that everyone who knows this disease as an intimate friend fears hearing from those they confide in. I think my hurt, hurt her and in that came some anger and frustration. I know she had the best intentions but that night we didn't hear each other out. We both had things we wanted to say but we didn't also actively listen.
Today I saw on social media she tagged those same close girlfriends in a meme that seemingly mocked my struggle. It hurt. I won't lie. I thought of saying something. I played the conversation over and over again in my head but instead I stayed quiet. I’ve got bigger issues to deal with. The mockery made me want to put my wall back up, run back to my corner, refute all help and figure it out on my own. I know that is not the answer. Instead I will let go of any expectations of others. I’ll put it all on me. This is my life and my battle to fight. I’m grateful to those who support in whichever way they can and if they can’t support that’s ok too. Every day I will take deep breaths and love this hot mess fiercely.
Author: Cherrón