EnJOYable

How do you feel joy again when you don’t know when you stopped feeling it in the first place? For months I’ve been comfortable, head down in work, focused and determined to do the things I’m doing well. I wasn’t very social over the holidays. I didn’t need the parties. I needed to stay home, rest, work and prepare for the new year/decade. And then it hit me. I didn’t know how to have fun anymore. I mean, I’ve always been guarded to some degree, even as a kid. But this wasn’t that, it was more than just being guarded.

I wondered if my depression had returned. Did I feel depressed? No. Was it manifesting in a new way? Maybe. I was anxious wondering if it could be anxiety. My panic attacks were showing up as all kind of things. The flu, allergies, headaches. Could this be social anxiety? But no I wasn’t anxious and if I went out I was fine, except... there was no joy present.

Phone down, all in, I was present but absent from the experience was joy. Joy for being there, joy in having the experience just pure joy and there was the problem. I quickly realized I wasn’t finding joy in anything, anywhere. Everything has been a thing to do, something to knock off my list, a task to complete but joy? Not to be found.

I’m concerned. How do you get back to joy? Where do I start? I don’t even know where I left it to go back and pick it up. I’m scared for myself to be honest. I know Joy is an inside job. I know I feel. I feel grateful, fulfilled, satisfied, etc but where am I to find joy?

Author’s Note: I wrote this a couple of months ago. Since then the world has had to sit down and stay there . In the midst of this quiet time joy reintroduced herself to me. She showed me where to find her in the other emotions and slowly we are rebuilding our relationship.

Author: Cherrón