Graceful

Hey Kid,

I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. Who you would’ve been. What you would’ve become. If you were a boy or a girl. I didn’t think that I would be here … 40+, single, no kids. When you’re young you think you have time. I was so scared when I learned about you. I knew that I was not ready to be a mom. I was scared of the kind of mom that I would be to you and deep down I knew that I didn’t want to repeat generational habits. I don’t regret that but I do regret putting myself in a position to have you taken from me. Recently a friend told me I had to forgive myself. He’s right. I’ve spent years blaming myself for walking into that clinic. I blame myself for not changing my mind before I got on the table. I blame myself that when the nurses held me down, one hand over my mouth to silence my screams, I didn’t fight harder. I blame myself for not pressing charges afterwards and fighting for you in death. Wherever you are I hope you know that part of me has always loved you even when I didn’t get to keep you. I pray that you’ve forgiven me. And I pray for the grace I need to forgive myself.

Author: Cherrón