That Time I Learned About "The B Word"

Like many women my age, I used “the b word” like it was the only word I actually knew. As young as elementary school I would use it, or it would be used, and we would say, “What? It’s a female dog!” I used it as a noun, verb, and an adjective. I used it when teaching classes. I put it on social media. Women use it to refer to each other with love, and hate. With reverence, and disdain. It is an all-around useful way for women to connect with one another by both being inclusive (“my b’s”) as well as exclusive (“those b’s”). Again, like many women, I felt empowered to own a word that men used for centuries to belittle women. Like Beyoncé, Rihanna, Britney Spears, and other early 21st Century female artists and media outlets, I too reclaimed the word and felt really good about it. I felt like a feminist warrior.

 Fast forward to the winter of 2013. I was teaching a class on politics in film, and in looking for research on the use of gendered language in politics, I came across this piece by Karrin Vasby Anderson. This article outlines the history of the b word, its use in politics and pop culture, and most importantly, its danger. Her overall argument is as follows: the b word is used to confine women who are deemed to have stepped out and are then, unfeminine, shrill, hairy man-haters. To re-feminize them, and make sense of their place in society, using the b word reduces them to domestic play things and sex objects. In doing so, this reserves all her power in her vagina, as opposed to her having real, tangible power. So, when women assert confidence, leadership, or simply speak in a situation or with a tone that is unwelcome, she is called the b word to restrict her. This tool of containment, as Anderson calls it, if continually used in pop culture and politics, preserves the narrative that women who attempt to move through the world as freely as men need shaming, taming, and regulation for their own good. This, in turn, makes it incredibly difficult for women to cultivate an image of leadership and become president, for example.

 Ok, CTC, I know what you are all thinking: “PolySue, everything you just said is about men using it. About purposefully trying to make women feel a certain type of way. What’s wrong with women taking it back and taking away the word’s power? After all, b’s land husbands!” I agreed for a LONG time. There is evidence that people who adopt a derogatory term as a self-label feel powerful. This reclamation can help shift long-accepted societal meanings of words and take away their power to marginalize. I get it; I really do. I am a confident, smart, strong women who will not be told I cannot be the me I want to be. And if that makes me a b, then good! I own it! I should wear it like a badge of honor, right? I should wear shirts, and have mugs, and get a tattoo. I should be a proud b. But here’s what…

 When Lizzo says she’s 100% that b, she knows what she means. She understands the power of taking the word back and spinning it to mean something different. But do the listeners? The little girl who sings that song, does she know the complicated history of the word? Does she know that when she goes out in the world and is called a b, it will not be a compliment? Does she know when she refers to her friends and frenemies as b’s, she signals to men, women, and society that using the word is acceptable? It keeps it out there, and therefore, men in particular, will keep using it. The leading definition for the word emphasizes how it is used to express contempt or disapproval. Think about this another way: when men or women call a man the b word, what are they inferring? The b word is used to feminize men; it conveys weakness, lack of masculinity, and essentially equates them with being a woman. Because what could possibly be weaker and worse than being a woman?

 When Hillary Clinton was running in 2016, Andi Zeisler, the founder of Bitch Media, wrote an opinion piece in The New York Times saying Clinton was the b America needs. Zeisler writes about the ways Clinton’s supporters aligned her with the word as a way to reclaim it, and thereby, “reject the expectations, assumptions and double standards that have always dogged women in the American political system.” So, in essence, adopting the word to describe Clinton took its power away from those who used it to contain her. But did it? Did that narrative overpower the prevailing one? Since its use dates back to the 1400s, do we really think that trying to reclaim it and strip the word of its containing power 600 years later will work? That was A LOT of questions, I know. But words have power. And this word’s power is that is strips women of their power, a power we are still trying to get and keep.

 I was out with friends this weekend, and we were chatting with a woman we didn’t know. A man she knew joined us and said, “Who are these b’s?” My friends know how I feel about the word, and they each literally took a step back away from me waiting to see what I would do. I feel confident if I wasn’t there, they would have laughed it off. And that’s fine; I don’t judge those who use it or don’t call it out when it’s used. The CTC founders know this all too well ;) But on Saturday night, I was there. So, I looked at him and simply said, “I do not appreciate being called that, and I do not appreciate when others are called that.” He wasn’t really contrite at first. I think he was more shocked than anything. He just looked at me and said, “Ok, ok.” An hour or so later we saw him again at another bar. He approached us and said, “The ladies I saw before! And no, you are not b’s. I’m sorry.” Now, I’m not naïve enough to think this one interaction will forever keep him from saying the b word. But maybe, just maybe, he’ll think twice before he says it…but says it anyway, probably. And to my CTC readers, I also don’t expect you to stop using the word. It’s not like I haven’t slipped in the last six years myself. All I ask is that we think about what we mean when we use it in any form and about anyone. Why do we use it? How do we use it? And what would happen IF we stopped using it and asked others to stop too? Just a little something to think about.

Author: Suzanne Chod